Amy and I have enjoyed reading Douglas Wilson’s books on marriage and parenting. They have given us lots to talk about.
The books are not for everyone and we find ourselves agreeing and disagreeing with his interpretations and applications. But, like I said, the books give us plenty to talk about and work through together.
Here is one way he explains the goal of discipline in parenting:
The parental task is to break the child’s will, without breaking the child’s spirit. The thing to avoid is breaking the spirit, and the second thing to avoid is that of failing to break the will. All right, so what does this mean?
Given the constraints of this image, there are four possibilities.
The first is that a child’s will and spirit could both remain unbroken, in which case you have yourself a wild banshee child–known to all your friends as the Demon Toddler.
The second possibility is that a child’s will and spirit are both broken, in which case there is no overt disobedience because all the child can contribute is a lethargic and glassy stare. The child is cowed, like a dog that was beat too much.
The third possibility is that of breaking the spirit without breaking the will. The result here is that the child is introspective, moody, self-absorbed, and discouraged, but it is entirely impossible to encourage them. They cling to their lousy perception of themselves, as stubborn as the pope’s mule.
And the last option, the one that all parents should strive for is that of a broken and submissive will and an entirely unbroken spirit.
Unbroken will and unbroken spirit
–this is the condition of the rebellious and dissolute child. An elder with sons like this is disqualified from office (Tit. 1:6). The parents in Deuteronomy with a son like this would no doubt be greatly ashamed (Dt. 21:20; cf. Prov. 23:19-21).
Broken will and broken spirit
–this is likely the condition of children in Ephesians 6:4. They have been angered, and are discouraged. They are just beat up. When this happens, it is often the case that the father who is doing it has no idea that this is what he has done. He looks at other families, like the one above, and he shakes his head in disbelief. He has eliminated disobedience, he thinks, but there is no constructive obedience.
Unbroken will and broken spirit
–when this happens, the children show their uncooperative “rebellion” by passive/aggressive means. In other words, they are not downtown shooting out the streetlights, but they are stubbornly limp and unmotivated.
Broken will and unbroken spirit
–the children here are obedient and cheerful. Obedience is a matter of the will, and cheerfulness is cheerfulness of spirit.
It is important to note these four options because if you limit them just to two, you will make false judgments on any number of levels. If your gauge of assessment is simply whether the home is “calm” or “rowdy,” for example, you might find yourself misjudging things radically (Is. 5:20).