The year is 386 AD and a young man who is around thirty years old is living in Milan. He has been doing two things that don’t go well together. He has been both living in sin and listening to the preaching of the Word of God. Tolerating these two simultaneously is just about enough to drive him mad! He knows something has to give. He is wrestling with himself.
There was a small garden attached to the house where we lodged. …I now found myself driven by the tumult in my breast to take refuge in this garden, where no one could interrupt that fierce struggle in which I was my own contestant. …I was beside myself with madness that would bring me sanity. I was dying a death that would bring me life.
I so love that line – “that fierce struggle in which I was my own contestant!”
That sure seems to be the fiercest struggle of all.
He knows that his sin is wrong. And He is beginning to believe that God’s Word is right. And yet his flesh wants what is wrong to be right. He hears his little lusts begging to be spared…
I was held back by mere trifles. …They plucked at my garment of flesh and whispered, “Are you going to dismiss us? From this moment we shall never be with you again, for ever and ever.” …I flung myself down beneath a fig tree and gave way to the tears which now streamed from my eyes… In my misery I kept crying, “How long shall I go on saying ‘tomorrow, tomorrow’? Why not now? Why not make an end of my ugly sins at this moment?”
What will happen?
Read The Confessions to find out for yourself!